How to Cook Children: A Grisly Recipe Book for Gruesome Witches
Martin Howard & Colin Stimpson
Pavilion, 2009 (2009)
Reviewed by Bob Walch
hile some readers will find this book quite hilarious and amusing, there are others who will react in exactly the opposite manner. As the title suggests, this is a
tongue in cheek
cookbook which contains the recipes of some of the world's top witch chefs.
If there's any greater happiness than smelling a small child gently simmering in the pot then I'm sure I don't know what it is, unless of course it's the sound of the oven door clanging shut on another one of the nasty little creatures,
' writes the book's editor, Esmelia Sniff.
aving traveled the world on her broom and motorbike, Esmelia has visited
in their kitchens and collected the best of their recipes for preparing juicy, succulent children.
I've been eating children for sixty years now and the whiff of roasting youngster with just a squeeze of fresh weasel and a little grated Rosemary do make me drool all down the front of me dress,
' the old crone tells us. She continues by sharing that a fancy French dish like
Enfant aux Escargot et Grenouilles
garnished with slippery frogs and crunchy snails is enough to make her wee in her drawers! Oh dear! This isn't someone you'd want to look after the kiddies is it?
k, I think you get the idea about what follows in this book. The recipes range from
Hagboogers with Lumpy Sauce and French Guys
(contributed by Barfa Stew-Wart) and
Seared Tina in Boy Sauce on a Bed of Fragrant Lice
(one of Dishonourable Lady Soo-Shi's favorites) to Maman Bumbumbaya's
Cajun Cherub Gumbo
which features a yummy penguin and walrus sauce and fresh snow garnish.
ach recipe is well illustrated with some delightfully macabre pictures and, of course, there are detailed instructions on ingredients and how to prepare each exotic dish.
In the meantime, get your wriggling bag of swamp creatures. Take off all the bits that look nasty to eat – wings, claws, heads, whiskers, teeth, and all that. These are the bits you'll be wanting. The rest you can throw out or feed to the alligators. Make a separate pile of eyeballs.
lso, don't miss the three pages of classified ads at the back of the book advertising the
super oven manufactured by Hansel and Gretel Industries, the
Risen from the grave and feeling peckish?
') and the
Tweaking of the Bulls Fiesta
Eat, drink and vomit 'til dawn to the sounds of Diego Lambada and the TipstyQueens.
dmittedly this culinary guide would only be appropriate for older youngsters (at least nine and up) and adults with a warped sense of humor. Also, the theme of this book is not really original. Another, much more famous author, Jonathan Swift, addressed this topic quite a while ago and raised an uproar with his essay entitled
A Modest Proposal
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